


Weighted Words

by astralprojects



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, Yuri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:40:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24813961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astralprojects/pseuds/astralprojects
Summary: "It's just… You never say those kind of things. Why?""What do you mean? I could've sworn that I... Huh. You're sure I haven't ever said them?"
Relationships: Udagawa Tomoe/Uehara Himari
Comments: 13
Kudos: 61





	Weighted Words

"I like girls."

That much was true for the both of them, but they explained and showed it in different ways.

Tomoe wore her sexuality like a medal, preaching it loud and proud for everyone to hear. Kaoru had even tried to gift her the title of 'The Gay Prince' once because of it. She knew it was true; Tomoe saw no reason to hide, especially when she would only be unhappy that way. Plus, she had the best girlfriend in the world! Who would she be if she didn't shout it from the rooftops?

She was gay, in love, and on top of the world - anybody willing to listen was going to know that. Himari was too, but… It was slightly more complicated than that.

Himari gushed about Tomoe hourly. Tomoe was her girlfriend, and she couldn't be more proud of their relationship. 

Even so, it was only ever about Tomoe. 

Anyone with half an ear open would gather that she loved girls from so much as a second of her rants. But was that necessarily correct? It didn't feel that way. She liked girls, just as she had said, but saying that didn't exactly make it as simple as it sounded.

Himari loved Tomoe. And that meant that she loved girls too: Tomoe wasn't an exception. Tomoe was a girl, and Himari liked girls. No matter how much she had doubted and hidden that in the past, regardless of if she experienced those moments from time to time even now, Himari most definitely liked girls, and Tomoe was the centre of her affections.

It was always that she liked girls.

"Hey, Himari," Lisa had asked once. "You're a lesbian, right?"

"You know I like girls, Lisa-senpai."

That was the answer. It was the same each time.

Tomoe found it cute, to hear her explain it in such an uncommon way. She herself told everyone she was gay - a massive lesbian, the gayest they could come. Himari supported her when she cheered it aloud, not an ounce of disgust hidden away in those accepting eyes of hers.

Despite that, Tomoe couldn't say that she had ever heard Himari say the word gay or lesbian, not even once. She had to have at some point. Was she going insane?

* * *

Blurry fingers brushed against the luminous stars clinging onto the ceiling.

Himari lay cuddled against Tomoe's side, grounded by the arm around her. The scene she was painted into felt so tranquil. She didn't want it to end, she didn't want to let herself fall asleep, she didn't want to stop gazing at those stickers ahead of her. Even with all of that considered, she was about to do what she believed would ruin it.

"Hey, Tomoe?" her sleepy voice called out.

Tomoe's hand ran through her hair unconsciously; Himari found herself leaning into the contact without trying.

"Mm?"

"I… I think I…"

Himari bit her tongue. She had been trying to say this for weeks, and even that hadn't been enough.

"Himari?" Tomoe checked, concerned at the sudden stop. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Himari replied, beginning to choke up. Nothing had happened yet - she had no right being this nervous. Everyone felt anxious about things like this, she knew that, but she didn't have a right to that feeling. This feeling… She had been so sure, she had tried so hard, but did this feeling really belong to her? "I'm fine."

Maybe she was just confusing herself all along.

"Heya, Himari," Tomoe murmured patiently, stroking her hair even softer than before and pulling Himari further against her side. "What's up?"

No, she was certain about this. She didn't accept the rejected and suppressed truth over such a long time just to make it all crumble over an increasing sliver of doubt.

"I think I… I like girls."

Tomoe didn't tense more than a fraction, contrasting Himari's fully rigid self. Her fingers drummed idly on Himari's side, tapping out a soothing rhythm.

If not for the beats ricocheting off of the walls, the silence would have been deafening. 

"Welcome to the club," Tomoe remarked finally, though her tone wasn't that of a teasing one. "I'm proud of you for telling me, Himari. I'll love you no matter what though, y'know?"

By then, Tomoe should have known that the floodgates were going to come bursting open.

* * *

Himari liked girls, and Tomoe thanked the heavens for that each day she woke up beside her.

Himari only liked girls, meaning that she was a lesbian. 

That truth, however, never left her lips in the way most said it.

"What are you thinking about?" 

Tomoe turned to face the source of the question; Himari had her eyes closed, pressed up against Tomoe's chest tightly. The glow-in-the-dark star stickers above them shined, winning out over the dim light coming from the lamp beside them. 

"You're quiet," Himari mumbled, opening her eyes to stare at nothing in particular. "But it's… Weird this time."

"What do you mean?"

Untangling Tomoe's left arm from where it encircled around her waist, Himari stared dully at it for a moment. 

"It's, like," Her lips pursed in thought. "Your arm's vibe is off."

"My arm's vibe?" Tomoe questioned, intrigued. "Do arms have a vibe?"

"I dunno, it's like..." she heaved a sigh, letting Tomoe's arm fall back where it belonged. "You're thinking about something… Serious. What is it?"

Tomoe's embrace tightened, drawing that cherished and familiar support from Himari as easily as water from a lake. 

"I'm fine, it's just…" Tomoe paused. "You never say some types of words, and I don't get it. Why?"

"Some types of words?" Himari encouraged. "Like, slurs and stuff? I'd never say that kind of thing, Tomoe."

"No, no, it's not that," Tomoe assured her. "I know you wouldn't, I wouldn't either. But, like… I'm gay."

Himari snorted. "I know that, dummy. What does that have to do with what you're thinking of?"

"Aren't you gay too?"

"I like girls, Tomoe," Himari teased. "I wouldn't be dating you if I didn't."

"Yeah, but…" Tomoe trailed off again. "I don't think you've ever said it. We're like, massive lesbians, you and me. But you've never said you're gay. Or that you're a lesbian. It's just... It's always that you like girls. Why?"

Himari froze in her arms, and Tomoe could practically feel the lack of motion coursing through her body.

"Hey, uh," she began, hastening to patch things up. "I don't mean to guilt you or anything, I just realised it and—"

"You're sure I haven't?" Himari whispered, as if the question would shatter the brittle atmosphere. "I've never said that sort of thing? Ever?"

"... No," Tomoe replied, leading a stray lock of hair out of Himari's eyes. "I don't think so, at least. Maybe I'm just hallucinating or something, it's probably not like you've never said them before."

Silence settled over the two of them before Himari spoke again.

"I'm sure I could say it," Himari claimed quietly. "I just… Isn't that weird, Tomoe? Why haven't I said it yet?"

Tomoe sighed, opening her mouth before realising that the question wasn't for her. It felt too distant to be for Himari either, though.

"I guess I just… Haven't thought to say it before."

"Oh."

Each moment was a pounding weight, but they were feeling too much to notice it pushing them down. 

"Are you sure you're not, like…" Tomoe started, struggling to bring the question out into the air. "Uncomfortable with those kinda words or anything?"

"No! No, I swear I'm not, God," Himari insisted. "Really. I don't know what it is, honestly."

Tomoe smiled slightly at that. Himari never had seemed uncomfortable around those kinds of terms, and if she was, she surely would have brought it up. Tomoe breathed them practically every second, after all, and Himari wasn't one to sit back and bear it.

"But…" Himari continued, seemingly lost in wonder and thought. "I think I'm still… Getting used to it. It took me years, and… I'm not sure if I've adjusted to it even now. Liking girls, I mean."

Liking girls. There those words were again. They really were cute, in a way, and Tomoe was glad that Himari had a route to saying it that seemed so valued by her.

The next sentence was even quieter than the last, and if Tomoe wasn't so focused on her girlfriend at all times, she would've missed it.

"Should I… Try saying it?"

Tomoe shrugged. "If you wanna, yeah. I don't wanna pressure you into saying this kind of stuff or anything, it's really fine as things are."

Himari sighed, long, drawn out, and filled to the brim with unprocessed emotion.

"I… I don't know," she admitted. "I'm supposed to, right? I should've said these things already."

"Hey, don't say stuff like that," Tomoe reminded her. "I don't mind, and if anyone else does then they're a jerk and I'll punch them. You should say what works for you, okay? There's nothing wrong with explaining it how you do already."

Himari nodded, whining as her shoulders slouched. "That sucks, though! I want to say it. I really, really want to say this kind of thing like you do."

"I mean…" Tomoe's expression softened, even if Himari couldn't see it from her position. "You're sure you're ready?"

"Don't underestimate me, Tomoe!" Himari announced. "I can do it. Well… I think."

Tomoe smiled, kissing Himari lightly on the back of the head. "Whenever you're ready."

Himari tensed up again, pushed by the depth of what she was going to say; Tomoe rubbed calming circles into her back to relax her. 

"Okay," she murmured after a while. "I'm… I'm gay."

Tomoe's breath caught in her throat for just a moment, alongside that of Himari's own. Hearing those words spoken aloud had confirmed it - Himari really hadn't ever said that before. To anyone else, saying that shouldn't have been that significant, but now that the statement was out in the open, its importance was overwhelming.

Whatever Himari had overcome by saying that, she had bested it. 

Tomoe was proud of her.

Unable to stop a grin from forming, she kissed Himari's forehead excitedly.

"That's awesome, Himari!" she cheered. "You did it. Good job."

"Y-Yeah!" Himari lit up. "I did it! I finally did it! I… Huh."

"Do you think you could say you're a lesbian too?"

Tomoe's eyes widened at Himari's reaction, and she hurriedly flailed her arms around in regret as if it would reverse her words.

"A-Ah, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" Tomoe apologised. "You don't have to do that Himari, I just got ahead of myself, it's fine if you don't wanna!"

Himari huffed, capturing Tomoe's arms and winding them around herself again.

"Geez, you're making such a big deal out of it, Tomoe!" she complained. "It's fine. But now I'm cold!"

"Uh, yeah," Tomoe stammered. "I really am sorry, y'know. I just figured it would be the same."

Himari smiled thoughtfully, tracing mindless shapes onto the hands around her own.

"Don't worry about it," Himari reassured her. "It's just… That word is so specific. I don't think I'm ready yet."

A pause.

"Maybe another day."

Tomoe gave a wide smile out gently, squeezing Himari closer against her. 

"Yeah. Maybe another day."

Himari snickered, placing a kiss onto Tomoe's hand.

"Good," she stated. "Now, you have a lot of lost heat to make up for. I expect only the finest of cuddles in compensation."

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, yeah! I'm @FusukeLovemail on Twitter by the way. Go follow me if you'd like, I need people to talk about Masumaya with.


End file.
